Patience may be a virtue, but waiting is super annoying…

It’s a little after 2am as I write this. I’m sitting on my girlfriend’s couch in her basement and I am surrounded by at least two cats. I don’t sleep much anymore. I’ll usually try to go to bed around 11:30-midnight, but I usually just stare at the ceiling and let my brain do its brain thing where it reminds me of all my shortcomings. Typical late-night brain things include, but are not limited to:

• Failed Relationships
• Comebacks to Things that Happened 5 Years Ago
• Petty Revenge Plots
• Do People Actually Care About Me?
• Will Avengers: Endgame live up to expectations?
• Is Everything I Do a Waste of Time?

It’s that last one that troubles me the most (but I really hope Avengers is good, too).

I’m a little over 100 words into this and haven’t even addressed the headline or the incredibly cliche choice to use a picture of an hourglass in a blog about being patient. I’m incredibly impatient, I need instant results, and I need to know I’m making a difference or building towards something. Often times, my impatience leads me to quit things that may have worked out had I just stuck with it.

My latest struggle with impatience is in regards to the podcast that I launched with my former co-worker and friend, Chynna. I (stupidly) built up in my mind that it was going to be an instant success and I’d be planning a live tour within 6 months. The podcast has listeners, and we’re thankful for all of them, but because I’m not getting that MeUndies or SquareSpace ad-money, I feel like I failure. As the editor of the podcast, I have to hear every stutter, stammer, and unfunny thing that comes out of my mouth. Because I’ve heard what “good” podcasts are, I pick at myself until I don’t even want to publish the episode because I should be funnier or more original. I’m not my worst critic. A critic is someone who reflects and reviews on a product in hope of making it better. A critic I am not; I’m my worst executioner. 

My job is to make sure that I feel the absolute shittiest about anything that I do. Any forward momentum has to be chopped down by the executioners ax for not being good enough or because someone else is doing it better. I have to make sure that no remnant of hope or self-esteem slips through. 

And yes, I know a lot of these feelings go deeper than a podcast. I’ve talked to my therapist in-depth about how I treat myself. I’m a work a progress and each day is a little better or a little worse but the days keep coming, which I am grateful for.

I need to be patient. It takes time because patience is literally about waiting for time to pass. Waiting sucks. Uncertainty is the worst. Maybe the podcast won’t be everything I want it to be. We’re only 7 episodes in and still trying to find our way. Maybe episode 8 will be the one that single-handedly changes podcasting forever. Maybe I’ll do something else, but I have to give it time to become something, whether that be a success or failure.

It’s now almost 3am and I’m past the point of tired. This entire thing might seem like the ramblings of someone who should’ve gone to bed hours ago. But I just felt like writing. And I hope you felt like reading.

Good night.